Are you spreading sunshine or viral misery?

 It was one of those ‘turn the world around’ conversations that covered more ground than the time it was given and stuck in all the right places.

Alex sent me a link recently to a TED Talk she had come across, that took me back to part of our conversation; can we as individuals change things by refusing to be negative and stop spreading the misery?

I listen to people all the time. I don’t just mean I am there pretending to listen, nodding occasionally, thinking about what I need to do when I get home (or answering emails if I’m on the phone to someone). I actually listen, I have to, otherwise I can’t do my job. Occasionally though, through no conscious effort, I realise I haven’t heard a single word that person has just said and I have to stop the conversation and explain to that person what just happened. The result of doing that is always amazing (not embroidery, it’s a fact).

People don’t expect you will be honest enough to say “I’m sorry, I stopped listening to you” so they are shocked and confused, they want to be annoyed but don’t know what at yet. Then the follow through to find out why I stopped listening, not put off by the now embarrassed cover over “it's fine”, “anyway, I’m busy, must get on” I continue the agony by needing to know why I stopped listening.

In my list of why I stop listening to people are 4 of Julian Treasure’s seven deadly sins of speaking; negativity, complaining, excuses and embroidery (not the sewing technique, the art of exaggeration). These 4 deadly sins always suck the life blood out of me and my internal cut off always kicks in.

The remaining 3 of Julian’s sins; gossip, judging and my personal favourite, dogmatism; fact v opinion, have the opposite effect, they make me so angry that I spend less time listening and more time trying to establish if there is any worth in the conversation at all, those follow on conversations are the most entertaining.

There are people who think my approach is abrasive, blunt and even offensive but it works, feels great and I urge you to try it and see how much better it makes you feel.

We can really change our view on the world by what we say, the way we say it and what we choose to listen to. If we stop the people who make listening such a high energy activity and tell them why, they will change, it’s hard not to when you’ve been told you’re no longer being listened to.

Conversely, if you spend time wondering why no one listens to you, record yourself and see how you sound and what actually comes out of your mouth. I tried this when I was writing my book and the results we staggering, in some areas I bored myself so much I couldn’t keep listening, it changed what I wrote and the way I wrote it immediately.

Julian’s approach for change is HAIL (to greet or acclaim enthusiastically) which stands for Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity and Love. There is a phrase he uses which I love “standing in your own truth” and he rightly talks about HAIL as 4 powerful cornerstones, which I agree they are and were mine when I set up Cheeky Monkey 10 years ago when I wanted to be a slap in the face for my own peer group and sadly, they are still fresh today.

Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity and Love are the foundations of being a human being, things that we are all born with until something happens that makes us think, act, and do something contrary to that foundation. What you say and what you listen to is your choice. Are you going to spread sunshine or viral misery?